


Pipe Bombs and Hypothetical Fire Arms up the Ass

by bunnirabbit



Category: Zero Day (2003)
Genre: Bombs, Swearing, discussion of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-23 22:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13199826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnirabbit/pseuds/bunnirabbit
Summary: Cal asks ridiculous questions while he and Andre build pipe bombs.





	Pipe Bombs and Hypothetical Fire Arms up the Ass

"Hey Andre, if we fucked, who would be the top?"

"What the hell Cal?" Andre says, his voice breaking on 'hell'. Cal laughs flopping onto the floor. Andre was fiddling with a pipe bomb, twisting the wires around, but he's turned to face Cal now. 

"Hypothetically, would you want to fuck me, or would you want me to fuck you?" Cal repeats from his place on the floor, looking up at Andre, laughing. 

"Don't laugh at me when you're asking which of us would fuck the other," Andre says, half heartedly throwing a roll of duct tape at Cal's stomach. Cal catches it, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Andre. 

"I haven't exactly thought about it very much!" Andre exclaims.

"Your voice is so cracky today," Cal breaks into giggles, letting Andre know he isn't serious. Cal tries to imitate him and his cracky voice, but he just keeps laughing and messing it up. 

"No more tape rolls, I'm gonna throw a fucking pipe bomb at you this time," Andre threatens. Cal breathes out another laugh. 

"If you kill me, who will you have to figure out the logistics of butt sex with?" 

"That's kinda the fucking point, buddy," Andre says, raising his eyebrows at Cal. 

"Would you fuck someone with a gun?" Cal asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"What the fuck is up with you today?" Andre asks. "You watch some weird porn last night?"

"I don't need porn for this stuff," Cal says, tapping his temple, eyebrows raised. 

"Everyone think you're so sweet, but look at this, you creepy little fucker!" Andre says, laughing at Cal.

"Rachel is convinced you're the leader, I'm just Andre number 2!" Cal rolls over onto his stomach. "You get to take all the glory." 

"Rachel just hates my fucking guts," Andre says. "It's fine though, I don't like her either," Andre says, waiting for Cal's reaction.

"You two are just jealous of each other. Don't worry guys, there's plenty of Cal to go around!" 

"I'm not fucking jealous of her," Andre says.

"Oh yeah, then why do you get so upset when we hang out," Cal asks, obviously goading.

"I just don't like her, she's bitchy," Andre's voice cracks again. Cal only raises his eyebrows. 

"Ok, but would you fuck someone with a gun?" 

"Fuck yourself with a gun if you want it so bad," Andre says, turning back to the bombs.  
laughs  
"Would you load it or would you just leave it empty?" Cal asks again.

"If you answer, I will," Andre says, leaning over the bombs.

"Easy," Cal says.

"Ok, so would you fuck me, or would you want me to fuck you, big boy?" Andre says, laughing, poking at Cal with a bundle of wires. 

"I'd fuck you probably," Cal says. "I bet your voice'd crack so much," Cal laughs.

"Screw you! You're the one that looks like a fucking little girl, pretty boy," Andre exclaims. 

"I bet you'd do what I wanted,"

"And why the fuck would you think that,"

"You were the one that shut his eyes and drove where I told him," Cal smirks slightly. 

"Oh screw you, I was fucked with adrenaline when I did that," Andre says.

"I thought we established that I'd be screwing you," Cal laughs.

"Fine, sure, so would you fuck me with a gun?" 

"Would you let me?"

"You answer the questions first, and then I'll answer yours," Andre says, staring Cal down. 

"If it seemed appropriate."

"When the fuck would it be appropriate to fuck your best friend up the ass with a fucking fire arm?" Andre asks.

"You never know," Cal say, inclining his head toward Andre. 

"Are you going to fucking accidentally kill me during this hypothetical process?" 

"Live fast, live hard, and die by any combination of the two," Cal says, his smirk growing a little.

"I was fucking serious when I said that!" Andre says, leaning over to smack at Cal's shoulder. Cal grabs his hand and then bites him. Not hard, just a surprise. 

"Fuck, you're such a psycho man." 

"So are you!" Cal laughs back. 

"I wasn't the one that fucking bit someone!" 

"It wasn't even that hard,"

"Oh yeah, bite me harder!"

"See, I knew I'd be the one on top!" 

"Shut the fuck up and help me with the bombs," Andre says, pulling at the arm that Cal is currently using to prop his chin up. Cal lets him pull his arm, falling forward into Andre's thigh. "Don't fucking bite me again," Andre cautions. Andre feels Cal smile against his thigh. "Fuck you man," he mutters as Cal nips him again. "Such a fucking weirdo," he says, rolling Cal off of his leg. 

"Ok, ok, I'll help, just answer my questions," Cal says, rolling into a sitting position. 

"Ask away," Andre says, motioning with the hand holding the pipe bomb he's working on. 

"Ok, so would you let me fuck you?"

"You specifically?"

"Yeah, me."

"I don't know, but I guess you'd be better than some random person. I could just yell at you if you were fucking it up."

"Awww."

"I take it back, you can keep your fucking hands off."

"But would you let me fuck you with a gun?"

"Unloaded, fine. Loaded, only if I was fucking drunk or if it was your birthday or some shit."

"We're going to be fucking dead before any of that happens." 

"Then I guess you'll never get to fuck me with a gun," Andre says, laughing. 

"Oh boy, my heart's broken," Cal says sarcastically.

"How about you join in on the preparations for Zero Day? Really fucking drown yourself in it," Andre says, gesturing to the materials organized on the floor of his bedroom. 

Cal rolls his eyes, chuckling, but he picks up the duct tape, wires, and a copper pipe and starts fiddling.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a cross post of my fanfiction.net post with a few edits.


End file.
